he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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