College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
