i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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