He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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