I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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