you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
