I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're too hungover to prance.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
