You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
