Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.