I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.