You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
