New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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