I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
