do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
