The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
