i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
