She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
