i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
