You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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