u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.