I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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