dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".