I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions