You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
