the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
