Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
