the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
