i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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