my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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