just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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