god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
