if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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