Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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