every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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