this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
