He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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