remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
