my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
