How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
