seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
