I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
