im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
