my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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