I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
