kristin has been a bad kristin
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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