u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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