He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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