Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
