Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
