well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
