there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
