Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
