I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
