8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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