I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
