I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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