what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
