In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
