i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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