Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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