ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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