I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
