dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
