From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
