You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
